


Bonding over Attacks

by Anarchy (Nerdy_JD)



Series: Bonding [2]
Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: A kiss for the sake of fluff, Anxiety, Blood Loss, Depression, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-05
Updated: 2016-11-05
Packaged: 2018-08-29 06:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8478586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerdy_JD/pseuds/Anarchy
Summary: I’d stopped covering my cuts, letting the scabs ebb over my skin instead of blocking them out with thick blankets of bandages. I’d stopped hiding in the bathroom every night, hours spent degrading and hurting myself in more ways than one. I’d stopped all of that.And yet, why did I still feel so fragile?





	

I’d stopped covering my cuts, letting the scabs ebb over my skin instead of blocking them out with thick blankets of bandages. I’d stopped hiding in the bathroom every night, hours spent degrading and hurting myself in more ways than one. I’d stopped all of that.

And yet, why did I still feel so fragile?

Summer was rolling around, slowly but eminent in the most menacing of ways. It signified the promise of short sleeves and shorts, days at the beach or in the pool, afternoons outside where people could gather and talk. It was my nightmare. I dreaded the very thought of it, everything about the heated season sent a wave of uncertainty and worry fluttering through me.

It was the first time in months that I’d put on a shirt that left my arms uncovered. I felt naked, exposed in the worst way, my secrets were no longer my own.

I stood before the mirror – one that held countless memories of tired, hurt, crying, wrecked faces – and I stared at myself. Seeing the remnants of dark and scary circles under my eyes, which were dulled to such a soft shade of lilac that they were almost translucent. I shivered, feeling the cold feeling of failure waft around me.

Yes, I was scared. I was terrified of going out there and showing the world what I’d been hiding. Seeing the faces of disappointed adults, surprised ‘friends’, judgmental enemies. Seeing their stare dissecting me, trying to figure me out.

_Why did you do that? Aren’t you happy? You’re one of the top students!_

_There are people worse off._

Indeed there were, so who was I to sit here and wallow in sadness? How could I be so selfish when others like me have it worse…?

Right?

* * *

 

“So, how are you feeling?” Karma’s reassuring tone did nothing to falter my growing anxiety.

I didn’t look up, didn’t risk the chance that he’d read me like an open book. “I'm fine.” Sufficient enough, not great, not terrible, just… Fine.

“Nervous?”

I shot a glare his way, narrowing my eyes into slits and then I spoke through clenched teeth, trying to be quiet. “Of course I'm nervous!” That got me a lopsided smile.

“Don’t be. When you’re done then I’ll be right here, waiting.” I scoffed, turning my head back to the gathering crowd. But his words did sit with me, providing me with the tiniest of comfort I desperately needed to hold onto, especially now. But the reason for the words sent a new wave of soul eating worry over me, reminding me that I was indeed destined to mess this up.

“I’ll be here, with you. Don’t think too much about it, Gakushuu.” An inconspicuous hand slide into my own and he laced our fingers together, firm but gentle.

I took a breath, _you… You can do this. You can do this. You can._

After a shaky exhale, too hesitant for comfort, I pulled my hand away after giving one last squeeze. He was here, I had my anchor, and I won’t mess up.

The crown of people quieted down as soon as the formal atmosphere settled over their heads. Students dressed neatly in the Kunugigaoka school uniform were lined up and hushed, looking militant in the small expanse of the gym. They stared ahead and waited for the student council president to get out there and address them, encourage them for the next term, motivate them to do well for the exams to come. Subtly threaten them of what would happen if they fail to meet expectations.

3-E stuck out like a sore thumb. Even though they were off to the side and mostly out of view, I could hardly miss the eccentric look of their class. The three teachers standing by them matched the odd bunch of students, not at all looking like the boring and passionless educators of the main building.

I took another breath and repeated my words; _You can do this. You can do this._

Plastering on a fake, tight smile, I strode onto the stage. Relaxed, confident, the picture of someone others should strive to come close to being.

When my hands rested on the edges of the podium my breath quickened, by I schooled it back. Counting, breathing, keeping my mask firmly in place. I looked out at the many faces staring at me, expecting to be wowed and amazed, I looked to the bored and expressionless faces of 3-E and only when my gaze lingered on Karma, only then, did the courage kick in.

“Students of Kunugigaoka Academy, the previous term was an eventful one. I certainly wish that each one of you improved in some way and keep working hard to uphold the status of our prestigious school.”

Every word tasted like bullshit. The speech I’d rehearsed was bitter sitting at the back of my throat, feeling like expired food that had been in the fridge for too long. I could feel myself tensing after the opening sentences, my grip on the tanned wood tightened ever so slightly, almost as if I was holding onto the only piece of reality keeping my from slipping. And I was.

“Our end of term results were more than a little surprising, seeing E-class surpass students of the main campus was not a planned occurrence. However, the principal reassures me that this term the academic standard with be heightened, urging our students to improve their marks and keep up their status.”

From the corner of my eye I could see E-class shudder, scoff, mumble to themselves at the promise of retaliating. Karma looked unfazed, seeming to be bored but the soft gleam in his eyes told me otherwise.

Then my fingers started shaking, my breathing thoughtlessly increased. No, no, I can do this. No need to freak out now, just hold it for a little while longer.

But I couldn’t. Not with the irritated glares of students who had been beaten by E-class. Not with the teachers who were scrutinizing me mercilessly, catching onto the slight shiver of my fingers and zeroing in. And definitely not with threatening stare of our principal boring into the side of my head.

He arms were crossed, leaning against the wall in his brown suit. Eyeing me with amusement as he watched my struggle.

“But I have faith in all of you,”

_Oh, if only the same could be said for yourself._

“I am certain that you won’t let our school down,”

_Too bad you already have._

“And I am positive that you all will make our school and principal proud.”

_You have already failed._

I swallowed thickly, willing my hands to stop shaking. No, shit, this can’t be happening now. Shit, shit, shit.

_I'm going to make a fool of myself. They’re never going to believe in me again. All those hours fighting the urges… only to come up empty. Your efforts are as worthless as you are. It’s pathetic._

_Shit._ I felt the familiar sting of tears prickling in the corners of my vision.

 _Shit_. My skin burnt over with the heat of a blush, concentrated at my soon to be dripping nose.

 _Shit_. My hands openly trembled and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

 _Fuck_. I couldn’t breathe.

I opened my mouth, my nose finally being blocked by the unshed tears forcing their way out, but even with an open mouth I couldn’t breathe. I looked through the crowd, the confused and concerned faces hardly registered, all I was looking for was that mess of red hair but he was nowhere to be seen.

I can’t, I couldn’t, I tried – but I couldn’t. I hiccupped and the lights went out.

The room was bathed in familiar, cold darkness but it wasn’t quiet like I was used to. The inky black blanket was filled with sounds of students scurrying around, mumbling, speaking, shouting. The sounds flew over my ears, my mind was irrational.

_This is your fault, see what you did. You caused them to worry like this. You caused the taint on their happy spirits. All because you couldn’t control yourself when you needed to._

Hands gripped my shoulders and turned me around, the force of it knocking what little air I had out of my lungs. The hands travelled down my arms, the tingling of my skin shooting electricity to my brain and sending it spiralling out of control.

_Failure. Useless. Idiot. Waste of space. Waste of life._

A ragged sob tore through my throat but I didn’t care, I needed something, _anything_ , to bring me back down. The hands travelled to my thighs and hoisted my up, the surprise was gone as soon as it came and I gripped the person holding me with all my might. My legs wrapped around a lean waist, my hands fisted the stiff material I recognised as a blazer – student.

I couldn’t let a student see me like this! What would they say? Rumours would spread, people would look down on me. One of the only things that kept me grounded would let me go and I didn’t know if I wouldn’t float away entirely.

But even as my entire being fought the tiring battle, I couldn’t get myself to let go of the subtle smell of strawberry that wrapped around me like a blanket, and it felt so fucking good.

My breathing came back, short and quick gasps of air cut through my throat like dozens of tiny, icy knifes. My brain was dizzy, feeding me half thought out accusations.

_Why the fuck are you being so needy and useless? Let go, don’t drag people down with you._

The tiny voice in my head almost sounded kind. I needed to calm down, numb it out, I couldn’t wait for the panic attack to subside. Wrenching my hands apart, I fished the tiny piece of metal from my pocket and clutched it tightly, the blade already drawing blood from the palm of my hand.

_Yes, cut, bleed, feel the pain you so rightly deserve._

_Suffer._

_Hurt._

_Die._

Crap, crap, I can’t. Another breathless, hoarse sob ruptured through my throat. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think – I couldn’t do a damn thing! But I could cut. That’s something I was able to do.

My entire body bounced as the student carried me with hast down the darkened passageways behind the stage, my vision was as black as the lightless hallways and I felt as cold as the cooled walls around me. I nudged my sleeve away, the white of it almost glowing, and placed the blade to my skin. It bounced with my body, causing tiny slits of red to appear but I need a greater release. I needed to see the red dripping and draining out of me. I needed to be calmed by that beautiful waterfall of red.

I cut – deeper than planned. I grunted as pain and endorphins rushed through my veins, calming me and making me panic at the same time. But the attack subsided, an after effect then coming into play. My entire body and mind sagged with exhaustion, everything went numb with the cruel thralls of sleep wrapping around me. My tears felt itchy against my cheeks, my tongue was lead in my mouth and my arm stung with a sharp, burning pain that refused to go away.

The lights flickered to life, casting its soft glow over the empty hallways and vacant classroom doors. I was placed on the ground, head lolling to the side with pain and tiredness. God was I tired.

“Gakushuu, you’re bleeding! What happened?”

Fuck, everything hurt. “I… I cut… myself.” I sniffled like a fucking wimp and forcefully rubbed my nose with my uninjured arm.

The student – which I recognised as Karma, the bitch that he was – furrowed his brows and lifted my arm. I winced and tried pulling away but to no avail, his grip was firm even as he tore a piece of his shirt off and wrapped it tightly around my limb. It stung at first but the pain subsided to a dull ache as the reddened piece of clothing soaked up the flowing blood.

The next thing I knew, Karma’s holding my cheek in warm hands and pressing his mouth to mine. He was touching me in a way that was completely unknown, but the warmth I got seemed too precious to let go just yet. I pushed back, hesitantly at first and then with a little more vigour, my hand came up to his arm and held it tightly. My first kiss was stolen by the only person I trusted enough to confide in.

His lips slip away and I'm being held tightly in his arms again. But it’s different, I can’t seem to feel him at all.

“Come on Shuu, we’re getting you to a hospital.”

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah. Making a series, next addition will be the last one.
> 
> Have a good morning/afternoon/evening


End file.
